Sunday, November 18, 2012

Who, me?

Act 1: the living room, adjoining the kitchen, which has a cat flap leading out to the front of the house.
Time: 8 o'clock last night.
Cast: Mr Life, Isabelle, Daughter 2, Cassie Cat, Sirius Cat, Mouse
[Daughter 2, Mr Life and Isabelle are sitting on the sofa in a row, covered with a blanket, watching television. Sirius is lounging in his cat bed beside the radiator. Cassie is still out, though she knows she’s supposed to come in at nightfall.
Suddenly there is the sound of the catflap opening and closing. Brief pause, then the sound is repeated.]
Isabelle: That’s funny. Was that Cassie coming in and then going out again?
 [She goes into the kitchen to investigate.]
Act 2: the kitchen
Cassie [outside] [thinks]: Oops. Think I got it wrong there. But maybe she won’t notice the mouse lying on the mat just inside the catflap. Or even if she does, she won’t know it had anything to do with me.
 Mouse [thinks]: I’m just going to lie here on the mat in the dead position and maybe she won’t notice me.
 Isabelle [who Does Not Do Dead Things]: There’s a mouse and it’s dead!
[Mr Life, who knows his duty when it comes to dead things, heaves himself up from the sofa and comes through, nobly followed by Daughter 2. Isabelle retreats to the living room.]
Mr Life: It’s not dead. It looks fine. I’ll just put it in this… [fetches box] box.
 Mouse [thinks]: Oh, all right.
[Mr Life comes through and demonstrates the mouse’s fineness to Isabelle.]
Sirius [thinks]: That looks like an interesting mouse.  Yawn. [He goes back to sleep]
Isabelle [relieved]: Well, Cassie’s probably lurking outside the catflap at the front, so put it out of the back door.
Act 3: the back garden
Cassie [thinks]: Got away with that one. I've cunningly come round the back so they'll never guess I had anything to do with it. Well done, me. Now, I’ll just go and scratch pathetically on the living room window. Oh, here he is coming to open the back door for me. That's handy. I’ll just saunter in. Nonchalantly, you know. What's that in his hand? Oh, it's - .
[The mouse and Cassie pass each other in the doorway and exchange startled glances.]

Cassie: [hums casually]: Hmm, hmm, hmmty hmm hmm. 
Mouse [scampers into flowerbed] [thinks]: In my next life, I’m going to be a cat.


  1. Move over Will! This is hilarious!

  2. Haha! Love this little interlude.

  3. Bravo!! Encore!!

    But not one with actual dead mouse please....

  4. oh, please may I borrow your cat?

  5. Aren't they brilliant! I remember telling my cat once that he was quite useless, didn't do anything to justify his existence etc. Next morning - an offering on the mat.
    People say that we should not anthropomorphize animals, but they are far cannier than most non-pet owners/slaves realise!

  6. So the mouse won actually!
    Round 2 soon?

  7. Well done Mr Life Saver ( of mice)!

  8. It is always Mister Fixit's responsibility to deal with rodents that Basil-cat brings us. Basil is good at catching them and bringing them inside but then he just loses them. Mister Fixit is always having to fetch a box.